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英语小品剧本搞笑简单篇一:英语搞笑小品剧本1
Characters: Narrator(N), Salesman(S), Dad(D), Maggie(M), Alice(A), Candy(C), Policeman(P)
Preparation: 学校布景,做糖果用桌及相关材料,小贩家布景
Scene1(At Salesman’s home)
N: In a dark dirty house, there lived a small, dirty salesman. He always makes unhealthy candies and sells them to the students. He has a lot of money now. But how does he make the candies? Oh, xu „„ He is coming! S: Hello, do you know me? No? Oh, let me tell you .I’m the famous candy salesman at the school gate. My candies are very popular,(展示),I don’t know why. The foolish students always come here. I’ll be a boss soon! Candy, money, candy, money„„
Oops! It’s time to make candies now.(看表)
First, put the flour on the table.
Then, water, sugar, flour.(边说边做)
Now press, press„„
Oh, my dirty hands! Never mind! Just do it!(满不在意的神情)
Press, press„„
Oh, my god!(鼻涕)Never mind! Just do it!
Press, press, the children will not know it , it’s OK,hehehe„„ Now let me cut it into pieces!
One, two, three, four, five„„(用脏菜刀)
Wow, everything is ready!
糖果钻出来(跳舞),跳完后,非常难过地说:Oh, I’m so dirty and ugly! What can I do? The students will eat me! And they will be ill! Wuwuwu„
S: Mmmm„It looks dirty, let me give you a nice coat! (给它穿上) Wow! Now it’s so beautiful! Haha„„
C: Oh, no! Don’t sell me! I’m dirty!(拖糖果下场)
Scene2(At the school gate)
N: The next day, when the class is over, all the students come out happily and the salesman goes to the school gate as usual. (Maggie和Alice 欢快地跑出校门,看到小贩)
(小贩拉着糖上场,吆喝):Candies! Candies! Sweet candies! „„
M: Oh, Alice! Look! Candies!
A: Yeah! I think they are yummy!
M: Let’s ask him.
A: OK!
C: Don’t buy me!(非常焦急)
M&A: Why?
C: I’m dirty!
M: No, you look nice!
C: What can I do? (面向观众) Wuwuwu„(小贩将她拉在后面)
S: Candies! Candies!(引诱两个女孩)
M&A: How much are they?
S: Do you have money?(轻蔑)
M&A: Money?(对视)
M:Oh, I’ve no money!(失落之极)
A: Me too.
S: No money? So sorry!(吆喝着走开,下场)
M: What can we do now?
A: Let’s ask dad for money.
M: But how to ask?
A: How?„Oh,I know ,let’s make him happy ,and he will give us money.(自信)
M: Good idea!(全部下场)
Scene 3:(At Maggie’s home)
N: The children have to go home and ask dad for some money, and they know their father is good at playing guitar, so they will do something clever. (爸爸看报)
M: Dad,dad,let’s sing a song ,OK? (同时Alice去取吉他准备拿给爸爸) A: And play the guitar for us!
M: We know you play so well!
(爸爸诧异地看着孩子)
D: Oh? What a bright day today!
M&A: Please, dad!(哀求)
D:OKOK! Let’s.
(取吉他,开始准备)D: Which song do you like? How about Edelweiss? M&A: Of course!
(开始弹,第一段孩子随节奏起舞,第二段孩子开始轻声讨论起来“you first”之类的话,爸爸停止弹琴。)
D: What’s the matter?
M: Dad, we have no money!
A: Can we have some please?
D: I think you have lots of pocket money ,and you don’t need any more. M:I want to buy some candies at the school gate.
A: They look so sweet and nice!
M: Other students always buy them!
D: But„„You can’t ! They are quite unhealthy. Please go and do your homework..(置之不理,转头看报,孩子回到房间)
M: What shall we do now?
A: Let me think „well, I know!(轻声在Maggie耳边说)
M: Oh, you are so clever! Let’s go.(回到爸爸身边)
M: Dad, I want a new eraser!
A: I want a longer ruler!
M&A: Dad, please!
D: Things are expensive these days. We have to save money!
M: But dad, my eraser is too small now!(拿出破橡皮来给爸爸看)
A: And my ruler is broken.(拿出断尺)
D: OK, children. I believe you this time, make sure, don’t buy the food at the school gate. It’s unhealthy! Do you know?
M&A: Yes, sir!
D: Here you are !( 给钱)
M&A: Thanks very much, dad! Bye!(非常高兴,下场)
N: The next day, when the class is over ,Maggie and Alice come to the salesman again. They are happy to buy the candies and then have them, but soon they feel a stomachache.
(孩子高兴地买了糖,边吃边回家,小贩下场,孩子到家后肚子痛)
M: Aiyo!„„(两人躬着背进场)
A: „„.
D: What’s wrong?
M: I’ve a stomachache!
A: Me too!
D: What did you eat? The food at the school gate?
M: Yes. We had some candies just now.
A: I had some too!
D: Oh! You’ve cheated me! You bought the candies instead of the eraser and ruler. I always tell you that don’t buy the food at the school gate, they are unhealthy!(生气)
M: But they look nice!
A: And tastes good!
M&A: Aiyo„„
D:Well, Let’s go to the salesman together and have a look!
M&A: OK.
Scene 4: (At the school gate)
N: When they get to the school gate, a policeman is asking the salesman to go away.
(正走到校门口,发现警察驱赶校门口的小贩)
P: Hey! You shouldn’t stay here, leave now!
C: Let’s go home, let’s go home! (轻声并拉小贩)
S: No! My candies are nice and popular here! And„
C: You are telling a lie! I’m very dirty and unhealthy!
M&A: Dad, it’s him! Aiyo„(指着小贩)
D: He?
(警察走过来问爸爸,朝小孩)
P: What’s the matter with them?
D: They got a stomachache after having his candies.
S: Really? But I’ve never heard of it. And„„
英语小品剧本搞笑简单篇二:搞笑英语话剧剧本(修改版)
搞笑英语话剧剧本《西门吹雪与叶孤城》
搞笑5人剧本《西门吹雪与叶孤城》
演员表:
西门吹雪
叶孤城
花满楼
打更的太监
旁白
道具:牛奶两袋,纸屑若干。
第一幕:决战乡村陌路
旁白:A quiet village is covered with white snow.
Birds are dancing in the cold.
A man is walking along the street, step by step.
Wind is coming in silence.
Another mysterious man approaches.
打更的太监:The weather is dry and things are flammable, take care not catch the fire! I’m 打酱油的!
Y与X相遇.
X:Ohm, I’m sorry to knock you!
Y: Ha-ha, Never mind baby.
X: Excuse me, Could you tell me your name?
Y: ha ha, I won’t change my name! No matter what happens. I’m the most famous——-YeGucheng(登登登登!!!). Who are you?
X: I’m ximenchuixue.
Y(惊讶): Ar, ximenchuixue?
X: Yes, what is wrong?
Y: I heard that you are the best Martial Arts?
X: Great, you know me!
Y: By the way,who is her?
W: Hi,i am 西门吹雪 wife.
Y: What your name?
W: My name is 李莫愁!
Y: You mean you are the killer who murder people in cold blood!
W:Ha! Ha! Do you think I make false? Well,let you see what is the really killer!!(准备拔剑) Y(抱腿):Please, please…… Don’t kill me! Let me go!
X&W: No, I must kill you!
W: Do you remember you killed my 小强 2years ago ? Now, i will revenge to you!! Y: I don’t want to be killed. Let me go! Mr 西门吹雪!
X: No way! You know?
Y(突然站起冷冷的说):Don’t force me!
X: Pardon!
(Y拿出一袋牛奶)
X(抢过牛奶):Milk, very good! I like drinking it.
Y: Please drink it!
X(喝完牛奶):Thanks, ha-ha
Y: Do you still want to kill me?
X: Sure, must! Milk is milk.
Y(恼怒+冷酷):Very good! Very good! I hope you will not forget what you said!?
X: I’m sure I won’t!
Y: I must give you a lesson! If I don’t beat you this time, I will never have the opportunity to defeat you 3-2-1-0 Down ha ha!
X(捂着肚子,蹲下):Ouch, Ouch!
Y(大笑):Ha Ha……what feeling about the 拉不停散!!
X(可怜状): Help! Help! Where is the washroom?
Y: What?
X: Toliet?
Y: What?
X: The “WC”?
Y: Oh, I see, go along this street and turn right when you see a crossing road!
X: Thanks, bye-bye.
W:Hei,what a useless man ! How to give my 小强 a explaination.......
Y(掏出纸屑吹):This is genuine snow!
H: Stop! Protecting the environment is a everyone 's duty
Y: Who are you?
H: Hua—man—-lou! Have you seen ximenchuixue?He said he will join our 剽悍门 with his wife, But I have not seen him!
Y: Yes, he was beaten by me and is in “WC” now, ha……
H(惊讶):What? They are the famous killer in the world .you can beat them.So you mean you are the best in the world!
Y: You are right!
H: Teriffic! You are the one I’m looking for! Do you want to join in me?
Y: What? The 剽悍门,the organization with many talents.
H:Yes, If you want follow me ,let us go!!
Y: Ok, Let’s go!
(To be continued…)
英语小品剧本搞笑简单篇三:搞笑英语话剧剧本
英语小品剧本搞笑简单篇四:搞笑英语话剧剧本.1doc
搞笑英语话剧剧本《 荆珂刺秦王》 旁白(Aside )/介绍(Introduction): Long ago there was a crazy country, in this crazy country there were some crazy people, trying to show the crazy history by crazy ways. Mr Jingke was the most famous sword
搞笑英语话剧剧本《 荆珂刺秦王》
旁白(Aside )/介绍(Introduction): Long ago there was a crazy country, in this crazy country there were some crazy people, trying to show the crazy history by crazy ways. Mr Jingke was the most famous swordsman剑客 and was sent to kill king of Qing, “Yingzheng”. But finally he failed. Do you want to know what happened at that time? Okay, next show will tell you the truth.
Action I
太子丹(上,掏出镜子梳头,做自恋状):Mirror, mirror, tell me, who is the most pretty man in the world? (画外音:It’s you, Prince Dan! 太子丹高兴状) Thank u mirror! (面对观众) I’m Prince Dan, the magic mirror said I am the most attractive man in the world. But Ying Zheng is a jealous guy, I feel he will kill me if mirror told him the truth. I am so scared. So what can I do? (向幕里大叫) Where is my minister?
阿三(毕恭毕敬) : Honey, I am coming.
太子丹:I’ve told you again and again that you should call me “my most beautiful、graceful 、handsome、charming、cute、smart and dearest Prince Dan”!
阿三:Sure, honey! I have a good idea. We can find a hero to kill YingZheng~~~(作杀状)
太子:Oh yeah~~~. What is the most expensive commodity in this century? Talent!(二十一世纪最需要的是什么,人才!然后拍阿三肩膀,做赞许状) Good idea! But who is the right candidate?
阿三:After screening I have two promising persons on hand. One is Miss LiMoChou, the other is Mr JinKe. Tomorrow they will PK for the NO1 killer of the world.
太子:Well, show me the winner as soon as possible, OK?
阿三:Yes.
Action II(《十面埋伏》中刘德华&金成武决斗时的音乐)
荆轲
Are you Li mochou?
李莫愁
Yes.
荆轲
OK. I’m Jingke, you know, I will let you know I am the king of the killers’ world.
李莫愁
Are you challenging me?
荆轲
Off course! 耸耸肩表示同意
莫愁
Come on!
音乐起
两人冲上前来
“人在江湖漂啊,哪有不挨刀啊,一刀砍死你啊,两刀砍死你啊。。。。” 李莫愁倒地
荆轲大笑
李莫愁痛苦状:What happened? Why aren’t you hurt?
荆轲: We don't need any reason to win a person. Don't we? Do we? (赢
一个人需要理由么,不需要么,需要么?)
李莫愁:Momma always said: "Life is like a box of chocolates, Mochou. You never know what you're gonna get." I got it, Momma is right. 轲再次大笑
太子丹上(抱拳):How are you?
荆柯:Fine, thank you, and you?
太子丹:Oh my God! Could you give me an innovative answer to “How are you”?
荆柯:Sure!
太子丹:How are you?
荆柯:Fine, thank you, and your wife?
太子丹晕倒
荆柯:Hey, man, I’m kidding!
太子丹:Oh, I’m kidding too!(毕恭毕敬)May I have your name card, please? 荆轲从兜里掏出一卷纸,上面写着:
To be or not to be, that's a question.
阿三:Hero,we need your help.
荆柯:I am busy now!
太子丹:You can get a lot of money.
荆柯:I am very busy now!
阿三:IC, ID, IQ card?
荆柯:I am very very busy now!
阿三(手指上场的美女,激动状): Look! She is the most beautiful girl in the world. If you say O.K., she is yours.
荆柯(流口水):I have to say she is a very sexy and beautiful girl, but TCM is my only love!
阿三:What? What’s the TCM?
荆柯; Hey, guy! You look so smart but why you didn’t know TCM? Any of them can give you the answer.
阿三:Excuse me? What’s the TCM?
观众甲:TCM - Traditional Chinese MM .
太子丹:I must show you the trump card. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Lipton Slimming tea. It is a brand new product of Unilever China.
荆柯(激动):Slimming减食疗法 tea! I have dreamed of it for thousands of times. My wife always threatens to leave me if I couldn’t reduce my weight.
阿三:You want? Speak up if you want! Why do you keep silent? Why are you looking at me? Although your eyes are full of sincerity, I’m very glad, you still have to speak up. Take it! Do you really like? Really?你不是真的想要吧?难道你真的想要吗„„
荆柯(诚恳状) Just tell me what should I do? I will do anything for you. 太子丹与阿三(撞胯,击掌)Yeah!
Action Ш(《大话西游》主题曲响起)
荆珂挽着妻子,太子丹,阿三在后.
阿三:Hero, we have already reached Yishui River.
荆珂:Just stop here, please. Farewell, my friends
太子丹:I will miss you, baby.
(太子丹,阿三下。停顿。《泰坦尼克号》主题曲起,荆轲与妻子做Jack和rose
在船头的经典造型,忽然荆轲看到一个美女——此时一个中国古典美女经过,向荆轲抛媚眼,并抛下定情手绢。荆轲高兴的盯着美女看,妻子发觉不对,扭过头来。)
荆珂(急忙收敛):Darling, I love you.
妻子:I love you! You mean more to me than anything in this whole world!(《肖申克的救赎》)
荆珂(流泪) :I love you more. In spite of you and me and the whole silly world going to pieces around us, I love you. (哪怕是世界末日我都会爱着你,选自《飘》)
妻子:Well. Be a man, just do it! I will be right here waiting for you. 荆珂(欲走还留,执子之手又曰):Sweetheart! You must do me this honor... promise me you will survive... that you will never give up... no matter what happens... no matter how hopeless... promise me now, and never let go of that promise(泰坦尼克号沉船时,Jack对Rose的倾诉).
妻子:"I promise."
荆轲:"Never let go. “妻子:"I promise. I will never let go, Jack. I'll never let go."
(荆轲的发音和jack很像,所以加了一些《泰坦尼克号》的台词。) 妻子努力挤出几滴眼泪,
荆珂上船,渐渐远去
妻子:It’s a good day to die. Never come back. Never„„ Never„„ 妻子(掏出手机拨号,阿三接手机): Thank you very much. As soon as I get the life assurance $1000, 000, I will transfer half of it, $500,000 to your account.
英语小品剧本搞笑简单篇五:6人英语小品短话剧剧本
6人英语小品短话剧剧本
A(衣衫褴褛) B(衣着光鲜) C小花 D小草 E椅子 F新闻记者
B坐在E上吃东西,A一乞丐上前
A:先生,先生,请给我些面包,谢谢,我饿得不行了。
B:(厌恶)让开,让开。(然后便起身离开,这时他的钱包掉到E上头了)
A:先生,先生(A看见后,立即拾起,追上了走远的B)
B:让开,让开啊,我没吃的了,也没钱了(看也不看A,仍自顾自地走了)
C:他真愚蠢啊
D:是啊是啊(D点头附和)
A:可„„先生„„您听我说„„(仍拉着B衣服的后摆)
B:挖,你这人怎么这么讨厌!(还是没有回头看A一眼)
C:椅子啊,你会不会觉得刚刚坐在你身上的人特愚蠢?
E:唉,人总是这么愚蠢啊~~~~
D:是啊是啊
与此同时A与B还在纠缠,这时E终于隐忍不住爆发了。
E:先生!你的钱包丢了!你怎么这么傻啊。
A与B同时回头,看见了那会说话的椅子E,吓昏过去了。这一幕恰巧被经过的F看见了。于是F就报道了这一事件。
F:大家好,我是新闻记者F,今天我看见了一个奇异的现象,一个椅子说话了,两个人被吓昏了,下面我将采访一下被吓昏的两个人。
B:哦,上帝,哦,妈妈。
F:这个人傻了,我们不鸟他了,下面我采访一下另一个人吧,请问你为什么不告诉他,他的钱包丢了?
A:对不起,我不知道“钱包”这个单词怎么讲„„
F:通过这一事件,我们可以认识到,掌握一门外语的重要性,以及金钱给人类带来的影响。是吗,椅子?
E:是啊,是啊(E傻傻地拼命点头)
C:唉,人可真愚蠢,椅子也被他们弄傻了。
D:谁让这是一个童话呢„„
为了配合马可的英文翻译,所以台词能简单就简单啦。下面是马可的英文翻译。
A:sir,sir,please give me a piece of bread.thank you,sir.I'm hungry to die.
B:get away,get away,dirty man.
A:sir,sir!!
B:run away,please run away.I have no food,and I don't have money,either.
C:hey,xiao D,he is so foolish,isn't he?
D:yes,yes.
A:but....sir....please listen to me.....
B:wa,why are you so disgusting!!
C:hey,chair,do you feel the man sat on you a moment ago is very stupid.
E:ai,pretty flower,do you know,men are always very silly.
D:yes,yes!!
E:sir!you lost your wallet!can't you be more clever?
F:good morning,everybody.I'm a jonrnist F. Today I saw a very weird thing--a chair open her mouth,and two men are frightened to faint.now,I will intenview the two nozzy man.
B:wo,my god,wo,my,mum.
F:I'm sorry to tell you this man has been mad.we needn't take notice of him.let me interview the other man,hello,man,can you tell men why didn't you tell him he lost his wallet?
A:I'm sorry,I don't know how to speak "钱包" in english......
F:dear audience,through this thing we can learn that how improtant it is to mastery a foreign language,and how lagre the money affect us.is that all right,chair?
E:yes,yes. (本文来自天空剧本网 )
C:ai,men is so silly.
D:don't believe us,it is just a fairly tale.
英语小品剧本搞笑简单篇六:7人搞笑英语版话剧剧本-三顾茅庐
Three visits to the cottage
Aside: Three visits to the cottage(中文名三顾茅庐) is a story from one of the Four
Great classical Chinese novels——the Three Kindoms. ZhuGeliang is one of the main characters in the original. Also, he is an outstanding militarist, politician and the symbol of the wisdom in Chinese history. Another main actors——Liubei, who visited ZhuGeliang's thatched cottage three times and wanted to invite him to be his military adviser. Finally, ZhuGeliang was moved by Liubei' sincerity, helped the three brothers——Liubei, Guanyu and Zhangfei to establish the Shu Kindom. He devoted his whole life to the cause and died in harness.
Our script is revised from this story . In this play, we add many modern and funny elements. For example, there are some spoken lines and actions which were copied from some classical movies like Infernal Affairs(中文名无间道), My Own SWordsman(中文名武林外传),The Flirting Scholar(中文名唐伯虎点秋香) were combined in our play. Also, we added some interesting pictures and audio to our slide.
Maybe there are some mistakes in our dialogue. But this play is the result of painstaking efforts of our group. So we present our script to you and wish you will like it. Three visits to the cottage
Aside: After their swearing brotherhood to heaven and earth in a peach garden, the
three persons——Liubei, Guanyu and Zhangfei-had to be janitors in Caocao's corporation to make a living for they could not find jobs. Meanwhile the legendary and mysterious character ZhuGeliang who had been forced to attend CET-6 test by his wife was reviewing examination contents.
SCENE 1: Liubei's home
Actors: Liubei Guanyu Zhangfei
Guanyu: Brother! We three have been hungry for days and when will this tragic
life end? It's so terrible!
Liubei: Yu, it's impossible that I don't feel painful, isn't it? But as the proverb
says it is hard to sit in Rome and strive against the Pope. Now we come down to Caocao's corporation as gatekeeper, anyhow we can fill our stomachs between whiles. It's very hard to get work now. No diplomas and no job offers, what are you dreaming about?
Zhangfei: Oh, Brother! ZhuGeliang's wife borrowed us 500yuan to cope with his
husband’s CET-6 fees last month, it seems that it's time for us to be debt collectors now.
Guanyu: Yeah, Brother! Or we'll be as poor as church mouse
Liubei: Alas! How did I forget this? Let's go! Go~~ go~! Hurry up! Follow me
and go to the mountain for dunning!
Aside: And then the three brothers climb the mountain to find ZhuGeliang. SCENE 2: ZhuGeliang’s house
Actors: ZhuGeliang Zhu’s Wife
ZhuGeliang: Good morning! I am the genius ZhuGeliang. But I feel so morose recently. Because my wife forced me to pass the CET-6. What’s CET-6? Do you know? You?(Ask the audience) I’ve never heart about that. And she obliged me to read so heavy books and do so many texts. It’s ridiculous. My major is military advice, not English. Why should I read this?
Wife: Darling! ZhuGeliang:My wife is coming,she is so long-winded that I can never bear her.
Wife: My dear, how about your study? ZhuGeliang:These books make me want to doze. I’m dizzy. Wife: Darling! Now, competition is so serious. If you can’t pass cet6 to get
your master’s degree, it is difficult to find a job. I have stayed here
for half of a lifetime. But never visit a bigger place like Tianjin.(cry) ZhuGeliang:Don’t worry, these books are too easy for your husband and don’t need to learn.
Wife: Are you sure? let me have a test to you. Listen,read and see! ZhuGeliang:A piece of cake!
ZhuGeliang: Sorry I can’t. Wife: Listen, can you spell apple? Desk?
Wife: You can’t? Oh, how unfortunate I am! (crying) I'm wrong, I'm really
wrong, I'm wrong from the beginning. I shouldn't marry here. If I
didn’t marry here, I'll never in this heartrending place now, ZhuGeliang:Don’t cry, don’t cry, stop! I ‘m going to study hard at once.
Wife (laugh): That's the spirit! Do you know? We are in the red for your Cet6. I
even borrowed money from the gate keeper. What can I do when they
dun for debts. ZhuGeliang: Are you pointing to that gatekeeper Liubei?
Wife: Oh! Yes! Come on quickly! Boy!
Keeper: What is the matter? Madam?
Wife: Listen carefully! My husband is too busy doing his homework to
welcome any people, so you will tell the people who calls on him
that boss has went to study in England.
Aside: While it is going on, liubei Guanyu Zhangfei have came to the gate of
ZhuGeliang’s house.
SCENE3 Outside ZhuGeliang’s house
Actors: Liubei Guanyu Zhangfei Keeper
Zhangfei: Let me knock the door! Open! Open!!!
Keeper: (Check from the peep hole) Are these men asking for the debt?
(Open the door)
Liubei: This is liubei! We are calling on ZhuGeliang and his wife.
Keeper: Zhu said he is not in.
Liubei: En????
Keeper: Oh! No!...I mean …I mean my boss is studying English in England for the
exam of CET-6,and he may not be come back this month.
Liubei: OK! We will wait for him here!
Guanyu: Nobody knows that when he will be come back, so, let’s go home! Aside: The three men went away with disappointed. After a month, the deeply
autumn came! They came here at the second time. Unfortunately, they didn’t see Zhugeliang as well . Two month passed, the cold winter is coming! It is heavy snow and very cold outsides. ZhuGeliang knows the reason that why they come here three times, and orders the keeper to let them come in whiles his wife is out.
SCENE4 Outside ZhuGeliang’s house
Actors: Liubei Guanyu Zhangfei Keeper
Zhangfei: Please tell me in time when you would see him next time, let me bind him
up for you. It really should not trouble you to come here time and time again.
Liubei: These days, the borrower is the god! Let’s go there again and show our
the warmest heart to move them.(Knock the door)
Keeper:My boss is at home today, but he is reading books about CET-6. Please wait
for a moment!
Zhangfei:Xiao Zhu! Come out! Brothers, help me to take care of my seventh uncle
and his third niece. Get out, or I will burn your house down!
Guanyu: Sunflower press! AI. Litter brother, big brother has said several times,
We are intellectuals, understand? Don't be so rude, we are here for
debt, not for his life. If you will kill him, where is our money?
Liubei: The submortagage crisis is so serious, don’t you know that simple
reason? If you know, please bat your eyes!
Zhangfei (Bat eyes)
Guanyu: sunflower press!!!!!
Zhangfei: Where did you get this KongFu?
Guanyu: Hehe! I get it from a TV program called “My Own SWordsman”, which
is so popular with lots of people in China!
Zhangfei: Why not say it earlier? We three brother could run a company of Chinese
KongFu if we had know that before!
Guanyu: Oh!! That is a good idea!!!!
Keeper: Don’t interrupt!!!! Boss is reading!!!
Liubei: Keep quite!!!
Aside: at this time, zhugeliang is exciting, but his wife come back soon.
SCENE 5: ZhuGeliang’s Home Actors: ZhuGeliang wife liubei Zhangfei Guanyu
ZhuGeliang: Thank goodness, here's Liubei at last. Ha ha ha ………
Wife: Wof! Darling! He may come here to ask me to repay his money. We can’t
let him in. ZhuGeliang: My darling, please don’t worry. I can make liubei go back with nothing by my sliver tongue Liubei: Mr. ZhuGeliang. I have hunted you for a long time! Zhu: Oh! You are Liubei. What can I do for you ?
Liu: my brother, you have borrowed me $500, when you repay it for me? I have
starved for several days. ZhuGeliang: I owe you $500? who can testify? Please give me a chance, I want to be an honest man.
Liubei: How can I give you a chance? Speak it to the judge. Zhu: Please look, although having ambition , you are just a guarder .We can enlarge our power from this base, and then attack Caocao. At last I believe that we can reign the whole country.
Liubei: I’m so surprised! I don’t know you are so ideal. ZhuGeliang: If I give you a map, could I not repay your money?
Liubei: En…….you know so much about affairs, are you willing to create a new
country together with us? ZhuGeliang: But I can’t help you, I have accustom the life at present.
Liubei: If you don’t help me , the citizen will live a harder life , please don’t
refuse. ZhuGeliang: En……sorry, I can’t. Because my wife forces me to pass the CET-6 recently. If you can help me to resolve the problem, I will help you.
Liu: En….. Zhangfei: (Pull) Brother, come here. Everything is fake now
such as the milk. Why can’t we find somebody help us do the test or buy a key ?
Guanyu: Yes! We can overdraft our salary from Caocao to buy the key at first. SCENE 6: ZhuGeliang’s Home Actors: Wife Keeper
Aside: Because the salary has been given to zhugeliang to buy the key, Liubei Guanyu
Zhangfei have been starving for one month.
Keeper:(Happy)Sir , you are really a god . CET6 has got 600 scores. Be really to startle
the universe and move the gods.
Wife:What happened? 600 scores? Oh! Do not shoulder your several years
studying at a cold window; Do not shoulder my night holding candle accompanying you. After your Master graduates, happy life will approach. Cars, house, money!
SCENE 7: Outside ZhuGeliang’s house
Aside: After receiving the master degree, ZhuGeliang will go to work with Liubei to
establish a new Kingdom.So the couples apart.
Actors: ZhuGeliang Wife Liubei Guanyu Zhangfei
Wife:Honey! ZhuGeliang:Darling!
Wife:Excellent man have a long-range ambition. You should put cause above
everything else , are sure not to miss me. ZhuGeliang:I will have a long journey .Please take care of yourself.(Turn around) Don’t worried, never miss you!!(Run) ZhuGeliang:(To Liubei)Your Majesty, I will never forget your favour. I should be loyal and devoted to the last. Liubei Guanyu Zhangfei: Let' go!!!!!
Aside: The three men go down to the hill. That is the end of the whole story. Thank
you for your attention.
英语小品剧本搞笑简单篇七:最终用稿(7人搞笑英语版话剧剧本-三顾茅庐)
Three visits to the cottage三顾茅庐
Aside: After their swearing brotherhood to heaven and earth in a peach garden, the three persons——Liubei, Guanyu and Zhangfei-had to be janitors(美['dʒænɪtɚ] n. 看门人;守卫) in Caocao's corporation to make a living for they could not find jobs. Meanwhile the legendary and mysterious character ZhuGeliang who had been forced to attend CET-6 test by his wife was reviewing examination contents.
SCENE 1: Liubei's home
Actors: Liubei Guanyu Zhangfei
Guanyu: Brother! We three have been hungry for days and when will this tragic
life end? It's so terrible!
Liubei: Yu, it's impossible that I don't feel painful, isn't it? But as the proverb
says it is hard to sit in Rome and strive against the Pope. Now we come to Caocao's corporation as gatekeeper(看门人), anyhow we can fill our stomachs between whiles. It's very hard to get work now. No diplomas and no job offers, what are you dreaming about?
Zhangfei: Oh, Brother! ZhuGeliang's wife borrowed us 500yuan to cope with his
husband’s CET-6 fees last month, it seems that it's time for us to be debt collectors now.
Guanyu: Yeah, Brother! Or we'll be as poor as church mouse
Liubei: Alas! How did I forget this? Let's go! Go~~ go~! Hurry up! Follow me
and go to the mountain for dunning! (收拾家伙 挽袖子)
Aside: And then the three brothers climb the mountain to find ZhuGeliang. SCENE 2: ZhuGeliang’s house
Actors: ZhuGeliang Zhu’s Wife
ZhuGeliang: Good morning! I am the genius ZhuGeliang. But I feel so sad recently. Because my wife forced me to pass the CET-6. What’s CET-6? Do you know? I’ve never heart about that. And she asked me to read so heavy books and do so many texts. (拿起手
里的试卷给大家亮亮) It’s ridiculous. My major is military advice, not English. Why should I read this?
Wife: Darling!
ZhuGeliang:My wife is coming,she is so long-winded(啰
嗦的) that I can never bear her. (装作认真状)
Wife: My dear, how about your study? ZhuGeliang:These books make me want to doze[dəʊz](打瞌睡). I’m dizzy.
Wife: Darling! Now, competition is so serious. If you can’t pass cet-6 to get
your master’s degree, it is difficult to find a job. I have stayed here
for half of a lifetime. But never visit a bigger place like Shanghai.(cry) ZhuGeliang:Don’t worry, these books are too easy for your husband and don’t need to learn. (扔书)
Wife: Are you sure? let me have a test to you. Listen,read and see! ZhuGeliang:A piece of cake!
Wife: Listen, can you spell apple? Desk? ZhuGeliang: Sorry I can’t. (不会 抓耳挠腮)
Wife: You can’t? Oh, how unfortunate I am! (crying) I'm wrong, I'm really
wrong, I'm wrong from the beginning. I shouldn't marry here. If I
didn’t marry here, I'll never in this heartrending place now,
诸葛亮——崩溃了 (捂耳朵 忙劝) ZhuGeliang:Don’t cry, don’t cry, stop! 老婆——(马上变脸) I ‘m going to study hard at once.
Wife: 给书童一个手势
Keeper: What is the matter? Madam?
Wife: Listen carefully! My husband is too busy doing his homework to
welcome any people, so you will tell the people who calls on him that
boss has went to study in England.
Aside: While it is going on, liubei Guanyu Zhangfei have came to the gate of
ZhuGeliang’s house. SCENE3 Outside ZhuGeliang’s house
Actors: Liubei Guanyu Zhangfei Keeper
Zhangfei: Let me knock the door! Open! Open!!! (气愤 敲门 咚 咚 咚)
Keeper: (Check from the peep hole) Are these men asking for the debt?
(Open the door)
Liubei: This is liubei! We are calling on ZhuGeliang and his wife.
Keeper: Zhu said he is not in.
Liubei: En????
Keeper: Oh! No!...I mean …I mean my boss is studying English in England for the
exam of CET-6, and he may not be come back this month.
Liubei: OK! We will wait for him here!
Guanyu: Nobody knows that when he will be come back, so, let’s go home!
Aside: The three men went away with disappointed. After a month, the deeply
autumn came! They came here at the second time. Unfortunately, they didn’t see Zhu Geliang as well. Two month passed, the cold winter is
coming! It is heavy snow and very cold outsides. ZhuGeliang knows the reason that why they come here three times, and orders the keeper to let them come in whiles his wife is out.
SCENE 4: ZhuGeliang’s Home Actors: ZhuGeliang wife liubei Zhangfei Guanyu
ZhuGeliang: Thank goodness, here's Liubei at last. Ha ha ha ………
Wife: Wof! Darling! He may come here to ask me to repay his money. We can’t
let him in. ZhuGeliang: My darling, please don’t worry. I can make liubei go back with nothing by my sliver tongue Liubei: Mr. ZhuGeliang. I have hunted you for a long time! (此时刘备用枪指着诸葛
亮头 幻灯片放无间道) Zhu: Oh! You are Liubei. What can I do for you ?
Liu: my brother, you have borrowed me 500yuan, when you repay it for me? I
have starved for several days. (放乞丐的幻灯片)
ZhuGeliang: I owe you 500yuan? who can testify? Please give me a chance, I want to be an honest man.
Liubei: How can I give you a chance? Speak it to the judge. Zhu: Please look(扇子指向幻灯片 幻灯片放西农地图), although having ambition , you are just a guarder. We can enlarge our power from this base, and then attack Caocao. At last I believe that we can reign the whole country.
Liubei: (若有所思) I’m so surprised! I don’t know you are so smart. Zhu Geliang: If I give you a map, could I not repay your money?
Liubei: En…….you know so much about affairs, are you willing to create a new
country together with us? ZhuGeliang: En……sorry, I can’t. Because my wife forces me to pass the CET-6 recently. If you can help me to resolve the problem, I will help you.
Liu: (面露难色)En….. Zhangfei: (拉刘备到身边耳语到)(Pull) Brother, come here. Everything is fake now such as the milk. Why can’t we find somebody help us do the test or buy a key ? (幻灯片
武状元苏乞儿作弊呢段)
Guanyu: Yes! We can overdraft our salary from Caocao to buy the key at first.
(假答案图片)
SCENE 5: Outside ZhuGeliang’s house
Aside: After receiving the master degree, ZhuGeliang will go to work with Liubei to
establish a new Kingdom.So the couples apart.
Actors: ZhuGeliang Wife Liubei Guanyu Zhangfei
Wife:Honey! ZhuGeliang:Darling!
Wife:Excellent man have a great ambition. You should put cause above
everything else , are sure not to miss me. ZhuGeliang:I will have a long journey .Please take care of yourself.( (转身悄悄说)) Don’t worried, never miss you!! (出门拜倒在久侯的刘备 关羽 张飞脚下) ZhuGeliang:(To Liubei)Your Majesty ( ['mædʒɪstɪ]主公), I will never forget your favour. I must be loyal and devoted to the last.
Liubei Guanyu Zhangfei: Let' go!!!!!
Aside: The three men go down to the hill. That is the end of the whole story. Thank you for your attention. (结束时放猫和老鼠的结尾)
旁白——话说刘关张桃园三结义之后四处奔波 一时间找不到工作 不得不在曹操的公司靠看
大门为生 而此时那个传说中的神秘人物诸葛卧龙先生正专心在家复习考试 因为他的老婆黄氏逼着他参加CET-6
场景一
刘备家
刘备 关羽 张飞上
关羽——大哥 咱们都饿了好几天了 这种吃糠咽菜的生活我们要过到什么时候啊 哎
刘备——二弟 这 大哥我怎么可能不难受嘛 可是常言道人在屋檐下 怎能不低头 我们现在曹
操的公司里给人家看大门 这年头工作这么难找 我们三兄弟学历又不高 好不容易能有口饭吃就很不错了 哪还有什么奢求呀
张飞 ——大哥 对了 上个月后面山头诸葛亮的老婆来问我们借走了500块钱去给她老公交
学费去了 都好久没还 我们是不是应该去要回来
关羽——是啊大哥 不然的话这样下去我们就得喝西北风了
刘备——哎 就是 我怎么这岔给忘了 走 走 走 二弟三弟随我这就上山 (收拾家伙 挽袖子) 旁白——兄弟三人就此上山
场景二
诸葛亮家诸葛亮上
诸葛亮——大叫好 我就是绝顶聪明的诸葛亮 可我最近却很是郁闷 我那个娘子非要我去参加
什么大学英语六级考试 六级考试是个什么东西 我怎么听都没听说过 还要我看这么厚的书 做这么多的题(拿起手里的金瓶梅给大家亮亮) 我以后可是要当军师的!!又不是这个专业的 干嘛还要要看这种书
老婆——相公(远处喊)诸葛亮老婆上(比较啰嗦)
诸葛亮——娘子来了 我娘子啰嗦的像唐僧一样 说起话来我可受不了 快老实看书(装作认真
状)
老婆——相公 你的书背的怎么样了
诸葛亮——娘子啊 这些书看得我头昏眼花 光想打瞌睡
老婆——哎 相公呀 你有所不知 你看 现在外面竞争这么激烈 你要是不好好考六级 将来拿
个硕士文凭 以后找不到工作可怎么办呀 我们在这个小村子里都呆了小半辈子了 你看我连稍微大一点的城市 像铁岭都没去过
诸葛亮——娘子 你看老公我这么有才华 以后还愁找不到工作么 这些书太简单了 统统不用
看 (扔书)
老婆——哼 !!你说简单 那我考考你
诸葛亮——怎么 还要考我 舌战群儒我都不怕 小小考试焉能难道我(对观众说)
老婆——我要考你听写(诸葛亮郁闷状) 听着 apple怎么写 desk怎么写
诸葛亮——(不会 抓耳挠腮)
老婆——相公啊 你连这都不会 可怎么办呀 哎呀 我错了 我真的错了 我从一开始就不应该
嫁过来 如果我不嫁过来 就不会流落到这么一个伤心的地方 我好后悔呀
诸葛亮——崩溃了 (捂耳朵 忙劝)
诸葛亮——娘子莫哭 娘子莫哭 相公好好看书就是
老婆——(马上变脸) 这还差不多 你知道么 为了供你读书 咱们家已经欠了外面一屁股债 连
看大门的我都借过 如果这些人上门来逼债我可怎么办呀
诸葛亮——娘子 你说看大门的 ? 莫非就是呢个看大门的刘备 (抓胡子 兴奋 点头)
英语小品剧本搞笑简单篇八:大学生搞笑小品剧本
小品剧本《晚会前夕》
地点:某男生宿舍
人物:学生四人
老大:哎呀,哎呀,哎呀。。。。。。又是一个白天过去了。。
老三:上课一排全睡,魔兽如痴如醉,dota不知疲惫,短信发到欠费,抽烟搓麻全会,白酒
两瓶不醉,逃课成群结队,大学生活万岁!
老二:我着急啊我,不怕名花有主,只怕不敢松土。如果有一天我变成流氓,请告诉别人,
我纯真过……
老大:人活着真累,站着知想睡,上车得排队,吃饭没香味,上课特疲惫,咳!发个短信还
得收费!哥们,让一下,你挡着我的手机信号了。(坐下)哎,还是宿舍而舒服啊。
老三:大哥,今天肚子里馋虫出来了,咱们要不要改善一下伙食啊?
老二:精神失常的疯子不可怕,可怕的是精神正常的疯子,刚吃了一份蛋炒饼,不要鸡蛋!
服务员楞住了:不要鸡蛋,不就是素炒饼吗?
老三:嗯。。老。。老大,他欺负我。
老大:行了,别闹了,烦不烦啊。
老二:哎,大哥,就那事儿,你能保证老四就肯帮咱们嘛!!
老大:如果医生能保证治好病人的病,世界上就不会有死人了!
老三:那可如何是好?再说老四已经帮过咱们这么多次了,怪只怪咱不争气,要是……
老大:老三多虑了。我又不是和白开水长大的,看我的!
老四上
老四:我最大的梦想就是变成一只蜗牛,一出生就有一套属于自己的房间住!可是理想很丰
满,现实却很骨感。生,容易;生活,不容易啊!!
当当当,进门
老四:吆喝,老大老二老三,你们都在啊!
老大:老四回来啦
老四:嗯,刚去了一趟学院楼,找了点东西。(坐下整理东西)
这时老四在看书,三人商量着谁上去跟老四说
老大:哎哟---老四这么认真啊,不愧是我们宿舍的好榜样-------人品好、学习棒、做事不马
虎,对不对?
老二:对对对!那绝对是我们宿舍一杆旗!
老三:对,那绝对是骗人的
老大:对……嗯,去,捣什么乱,就拿做事什么的来说吧,没老四绝对不行!别人都说了:
美国有比尔盖茨,我们宿舍有老四
老二:唉,是不是有点过了!
老大:去!
老四:行啦行,一进来就给我带高帽子,今天怎么回来这么早?你那个什么多少届全体室员
代表大会多少次舍长常务会议暨扩大会议开完啦?
老大:刚刚闭幕!
老四:又有什么新的指示?
老二:昨晚深夜秘密接到短信,说清考时间就安排在4月六号,还不到一星期,我们几个都
快疯了,老四,你看看我们都这样了。。。。
老四:4月6号???(沉思状)
老二:四哥,四哥……
老四:好么,这么一会儿就成哥了啊,现在都傻了吧,早干嘛去了,以前是谁啊,一个劲嫌我烦。
老大:老二,怎么那么没骨气,丢人,(拽开老三),不要太过分了,老四,有事情好商量,不要影响了宿舍和谐,(摩拳擦掌)三人一起
老四:你。。。你们要干嘛?
老大:要干嘛??哼哼。。。马上(一把攥在老四的手),四哥,以前小弟不懂事,我知道错了,为了表达我真挚的诚意,我决定为您唱首歌。
老二:大哥,不要啊。。。。。。
老三:危险。。。。。。
老大:我愿意为你,我愿意为你,我愿意为你。。。。。。
(老二,老三作呕吐状)5
老四:(心脏病突发作,踉跄地道老大身边)大哥,看宿舍四年情意的份上,您饶了我吧,人家唱歌要钱,您唱歌要命啊,我答应了还不成吗?
老大:(回头冲老三老二)搞定,服吗?
老二:大哥,佩服,您这招太卑鄙,不,太厉害了,偶像啊(做呕吐状)
老三:同。。同。。同。。
老二:同意(对老三)
老三:理。。。解万岁。(击掌)
老大:这次要依仗四哥你了,我们兄弟几个感激不尽,您对我们的大恩大德,我们没齿难忘,对您的敬仰如滔滔江水连绵不绝。。。。。。
老四:行了,行了,没玩没了了。说,要我帮忙做什么事啊?
老二:你说学校也真是的,清考也不早通知,别说准备了,连心里准备都没有。
老三:是。。是。。是啊。有点儿。。。不厚道
老大:说这些还有啥用啊,清考可咋整啊,我还有4科呢!!!
老二:我还有5科
老三:我还有6科,
三人齐:苍天啊,大地啊,那位神仙大姐来帮帮我们啊。5天我们准保考不过啊。
老大:考不过我就毕不了业啊,
老三:毕不了业,我就找不到工作啊,
老二:找不到哦我就没钱,没钱我就。。。(哭丧着脸)四哥。。。。。。老二发现老四在偷笑 老二:大哥,老四有问题他在嘲笑我们
老大:老四,不带这样的啊,你不能幸灾乐祸啊
老三:对,有。。。有点。。不厚道 这时老四笑的更疯了
老二:老大,他是不是疯了,咱还能指望他吗?
老三:有。。。有点,难度。 老大:他笑的好诡异,我怎么感觉有什么阴谋啊
老二,三:恩恩。。。。有问题。
老四:别的我就不多说了,今天什么日子你们自己看,别怪我没提醒你们啊。。。
三人齐:什么日子啊,4月1号啥日子啊?愚人节!!! 老大:诶呀!!我靠,聪明一世糊涂一时啊!! 老二:天啊,我一世英明尽毁于此(跪倒,捶胸顿足)
老三:(拉起老二)别。。别这样,你啥时候英明过啊?
老二:(想了想,安慰状)还真没有啊!!!
老四:哥几个节哀顺变,上当了是好事儿啊!至少你们知道形式紧迫啦,现在好好准备还来得及,这件事,要真是,真的,你们岂不是死的很难看啊!
老大:可即使是这样,还是没底啊!(老二,三。同意状)
老四:现在还不算太晚,你们好好看书,没有什么一定不行的,这是各个科目的清考答疑时间,好好看,看自己那几科,到时候不要忘了啊1(三人欣喜)
老大:(接过来)微积分,电磁场 老二:信号,单片机 老大:(激动)老二,老三,我看见希望了。 老二:恩人啊。。。。。。 老三:恩人啊。。。。。。
老大:(想了一会儿)亲人啊。。。。 老四:等会儿,那今天的水谁打啊?
三人齐:老四!!!!!! 老四:MY GOD!!!!!!一群白眼狼!!(转身离去)
老大:(拉住老四)老四我们错了。没有你谁来提醒我们打扫卫生 老三:对啊,没钱的时候找谁借钱啊 老二:挂科的时候也没人替我补课啦 老三:忘了吃饭的时候谁来帮我们吃啊。。。。。。带盒饭啊 老二:就是,没有你谁来提醒我约会啊 老三:没有你早上谁来叫我们起床啊 老二:没有你谁半夜来安慰我啊 三人齐:啊??? 老二:受伤的心灵。。。。 老大(唱)没有你的世界寸步难行)记得又一次半夜我胃疼叫你两谁也不动只有老四醒了,给我倒水吃药那晚我们两都失眠了。 老二:你快回来,我们的生活不能没有你。 老四:还记得我们刚来的时候吗? 老大:刚来的时候,我们背着大包小包来到了这间宿舍。 老三:是我第一个轻轻推开咱们宿舍的大门。 老二:是啊。老三,我还记得我问的第一句是:你的家乡是哪儿?第二句话是厕所在哪儿? 老四:当时,我来的时候大家还不是很熟,就是咱们老大为不打破这尴尬的局面(自豪)很可以的放了一个屁(愧疚丢人) 老二:我还记得那个时候老三还亲切的说。 老三:听这口音不像本地人啊! (羞)(痛快的笑)老大:那个时候我们谈家乡,谈高考,有理想,有抱负,血气方刚,有什么都想搀和热情是那样的高..。。。。。 老三:是啊,最怀念的是那段日子 老二:时间为什么就过得那么快啊? 老大:就到了毕业的日子,不知
道毕业后的日子会怎么样? 老四:毕业了以后,就不能像现在一样在一起打打闹闹了 老二:毕业了以后,就不能像现在一样在一起说说笑笑了 老三:毕业了以后,就不能像现在一样在一起侃天侃地了 老大:但是毕业了以后,有一样东西是变不了,那就是我们的兄弟情谊,你们永远是我们的好兄弟!!!1 齐声点头:嗯!!!!!!
老四:睡在我上铺的兄弟,无声无息的你,你曾经问我的那些问题,如今再没人问起, 音乐起,《睡在我上铺的兄弟》
英语小品剧本搞笑简单篇九:搞笑小品剧本
搞笑小品剧本
唐—唐僧 孙—孙悟空 猪—猪八戒 沙—沙僧 白—白晶晶(白骨精)
(旁白:话说唐僧师徒四人去西天取经。这日,师徒四人翻过黑风岭,来到一村庄,此处炊烟袅袅,似有客店人家。四人奔波劳累,在此休憩片刻 ……)
唐:古道西风瘦马,小桥流水人家,悟空,腹中饥饿,快去化些斋饭来!
孙:师父,你不是正在瘦身减肥吗?那脂肪燃烧可花了我们不少盘缠呢!何能……
唐:(不耐烦地)你这猴头,少废话,没看见为师已皮包骨头了吗?此去西天途中,多少妖魔鬼怪争相一睹为师的风彩,怎可让人家失望而归?!
(走猫步绕场,停步摆造型)
孙:好吧,师父。我这就去。吃饱喝足了可别怪我没提醒你,又念紧箍咒!
唐:你是越来越烦人了,还不快去!
孙:是,师父。八戒、沙僧,take care of Mr.唐。I will be back soon.
(孙下)
唐:这猴头,嘴里怎这许多鸟语?
猪:师父,他是瞧我英语过了四级,心里不服,所以日夜用功想超过我!
(过了一会儿)
唐:咦,八戒,你看,那边不是过来了一位beauty!
(作远眺状)
猪:师父,真的!好好漂亮啊!
(作拭口水状)
唐:(羞愧状,柔声)
罪过,罪过……八戒你又失态,
(递手绢)
还不快把嘴角擦一下……不过真是可惜,皮肤稍黑了一点……
(猪、沙愕然)
(女子飘飘而过)
沙:STOP!(颤音)姑娘你好,你多大了,你叫什么名字,你从哪里来,要到哪
里去,你有没有对象,你的篮子里是什么,你可知道这条路上好多妖怪的呀,
没关系我可以保护你的。
白:这位小和尚有礼了。小女子姓白,名晶晶,就是雪碧——晶晶亮,透心凉的那个晶晶是也。
(三人作神往状)
白:此去大唐参加计算机等级考试。师父们可是从东土大唐来的?
猪:You are right!我们都是大唐的高僧。不知小姐使的是哪门语言?
白:FORTRAN是也!
唐:(激动地双肩颤动,两眼放光)
实不相瞒,FORTRAN的主考官乃是小僧的二表姐,若小姐可……那小僧倒可助一臂之力……
孙:(绕场上)
何方妖孽,胆敢骚扰。师父,Don't worry.我来也!
(一把抓住猪,与猪相互击掌)
你是哪路毛神,还不快报上名来!
孙:SORRY。路上不慎遗失隐形眼镜,分不清谁是谁。
唐:这猴子越来越没用了。沙僧,把我的眼镜借他一用。
(沙取眼镜给孙戴上)
孙:(冲上前,顿停)
原来是你——MONICA!
白:STIVEN!真的是你吗?
(TITANIC 的音乐响起,孙白对视,作动情状)
猪:Oh, my God! Lovers!
唐:(抹眼泪)好感人啊,我自从看了JACK和ROSE的故事以后,就再没看到过这么感人的场面了!
沙:(递毛巾给唐)
师父,别让人笑话了,那是TITANIC。
(对观众)
上次路过大华电影院,他非拖我们去看,自己哭得啊……唉,我师父就好个多愁善感……
猪:师兄,这是……?
孙:我和MONICA是大学同学……
白:STIVEN那时是班上的体育委员,我是英语课代表……
白:他天天晚上都送我回家
孙:他每个晚上都给我打个电话
孙:我们总爱傍晚漫步小树林……
白:他总爱给我讲鬼故事,让我(害羞壮)
(三人作神往状,孙白二人作回忆状)
猪:我知道了,候哥那时还喜欢唱:ONLY YOU ,
CAN MAKE MY SKY BRIGHT,ONLY YOU,CAN MAKE ME...
孙:哼你个头啊..(一捶把他打个好远)
沙:既然是熟人,那……啊,不对,猴哥你不是人,那白小姐她……
唐:(大叫,后倒)快护驾,妖怪啊……!
孙:(左右为难)MONICA,现如今我护送师父西天取经,念在旧情上,你不要为难我……
白:汴水流,泗水流,流到瓜洲古渡头,吴山点点愁,思悠悠,恨悠悠,恨到归时方始休。月明人倚楼。五百年了,STIVEN,你真的一点也不想我吗?
孙:时过情迁,我已不再是原来的我了,你那张旧船票已经登不上我这条破船了。你又何必……
猪:两情若是久长时,又岂在朝朝暮暮……白小姐,其实我与你是同病相怜啊……
孙:SHUT UP!PIG!
唐:悟空,这就是你的不是了。白小姐如此痴情,你却这般铁石心肠,不解风情。天啊,悲剧啊……
(沙僧继续递毛巾给唐)
白:STIVEN,我这次不是来捉你师父的,我只想告诉你在这个世界上还有一个人是永远思念你的。既然你一心向佛,追求进步,我也不好阻拦。我……我走了。
(走几步,猛回头)
愿你幸福。
(走,又回头)
有事记得CALL我……
(走,回头)
摩托罗拉寻呼机,随时随地传讯息……
(下)
(音乐:把悲伤留给自己……四人相对无语……)
唐:(双手合十)生命诚可贵,爱情价更高。若为取经故,两者皆可抛!悟空!你已大彻大悟了。阿弥陀佛……
两顾茅庐(小品音乐剧剧本)作者:谭泽远
人物:先 —— 评书先生 刘 —— 刘备 关 —— 关羽
张 —— 张飞 诸葛 —— 诸葛亮
第一幕
(一张桌子,上有惊堂木等物件)
先(身穿长袍,手执折扇):各位领导、各位老师、各位同学,大家晚上好!(抱拳)今天大家欢聚一堂,我想给大家说段评书(甩开折扇)——刘、关、张三顾茅庐!(拍惊堂木,合上折扇)话说这东汉末年,天下纷争……
刘(拖一堆鞋盒子):诶,瞧一瞧看一看了啊!一双皮鞋两块半了啊!跳楼放血大甩卖了啊!过了这村儿可就没这店儿了啊!
先(忙上前阻拦):你干什么干什么?
关(推一辆老式28号自行车,车后驮一大袋子。边走边唱,取调《红高粱》):换大米,换大米,换大米呀,换大米,换大——呀——米!
先(弃了刘去赶关)
张(拎两把屠宰刀):诶,今早上刚杀哩猪啊,新鲜的!(对先)爷们儿,打两斤猪肉吧!
先 :不买!去去去!你们这都什么啊!当这儿农贸市场呢!没看见演出呢吗?去去去!一边儿凉快去!(将三人赶下)诸位,不好意思,咱们接着说。话说这刘备啊,乃是中山靖王之后,生得一副帝王之相,是虎步龙形! 刘 :诶诶诶,我就是刘备啊。
关 :在下关羽!
张 :俺是张飞
先 :(吃惊)诸位,我这都说了半辈子评书了,还是第一次知道刘、关、张这模样呢!(转对三人)呦,是三位好汉呐!久仰久仰!
刘关张 :客气客气。
先 :三位不是在东汉时候么?怎么跑这儿做起买卖来了?
刘 :先生有所不知啊。单位政策搞活,我这老科长,居然被新来的小伙子阿斗给挤掉了!
关 :厂里优化组合,我这技术员,也下岗了。
张 :俺更别提了,俺原来是那肉联厂看仓库哩。有一次发现仓库里有一口病猪,俺就把病猪扔出去了。谁知让厂长看见了,他给病猪拖回来,把俺给扔出去了!
先 :嘿——这不倒霉催的嘛!那,三位,眼下生意如何啊?
刘关张 :生意?唉!
刘 :(取调《最近比较烦》,唱)最近比较烦,比较烦,比较烦,总觉得日子过得有一些极端。皮鞋的质量实在太烂,别人买走刚一穿就要退款!唉!
关 :(取调《最近比较烦》,唱)最近比较烦,比较烦,比较烦,一车大米还没有换走一半。城里人个个,精明能干,就不见他们来买米做饭。唉!
张 :(取调《最近比较烦》,唱)我最近比较烦,比你烦,也比你烦!总觉得钞票一天比一天难赚。同行们都像这样感叹
先、刘、关 : 怎么说?
张 :想一天卖一口猪,是越来越难!
刘、关、张 : 唉,难啊!
先 :现在个体生意是难做,三位何不合伙做家企业?俗话说:兄弟齐心,其利断金嘛。
刘 :怎么没做过啊!我们兄弟以前合伙开了一家“桃园实业有限公司”,开始的时候生意挺红火。但后来从北方来了个恶人,叫,叫什么曹操,嗬——(聚了口唾沫)呸!仗着他表姑妈的小舅子的大侄女的干爹的外甥的邻居大哥,是个什么什么局长,贷款500万,开了家孟德集团,把我们的生意全给抢跑了,现在,我们连水电费都交不起了,只好从仓库里找些积压品出来单干了。
张 :诶——俺这可不是积压品啊!俺这是今个早起刚杀哩猪!新鲜哩!
关(把张拖开):行行,你就别添乱了!
先 :这市场经济,竞争也是在所难免的嘛。
张(挣脱关):竞争?那曹操集团有钱有势,俺咋能竞争过他?
刘 :先生,(取调《对面的女孩看过来》,唱)曹操那厮真是坏,作生意,耍无赖,我们的客户都被他拉开,见了我们都不理不睬!破产老板的悲哀,说出来,谁明白,求求你抛个硬币过来,给点钱,让我吃点菜——哎——哎——哎——(语调急转直下,突然哭起来)哎——呜呜呜——咿——呜呜呜呜
先 :使君莫哭,使君莫哭!(对观众)这刘备,就是爱哭!
关 :先生有所不知,我大哥他,他,他他他,他心太软呐!(取调《心太软》,唱)他总是心太软,心太软,独自一个人流泪到天亮。他无怨无悔地爱着这个厂,我知道他根本没那么坚强。(对刘)你总是心太软,心太软,把所有债务都自己扛。作生意看似简单,赚钱太难。你我大家,都需要锻炼。
刘(扑到关怀里大哭):啊——二弟!
关(抱住刘,哭):大哥!
张 :诶我说这位先生,我看你能在这演出,肯定不简单,你看俺们仨人都沦落到这德行了,你给俺想个法中不中?要是你哩办法管用,看见没有,这猪下水,随便你挑!
先 :(冲观众)嘿!这位,一看就知道是好汉!得,就冲他这几副猪下水,我也得给他们出个好主意。(转对三人)诶,我说三位好汉呐。在下有一愚见,不知三位愿听否?
刘 :先生请讲!
先 :我看呐,你们其实就是缺一个销售经理,现在这年头,老板就应该抓全面,那些琐碎的事情就都交给他。你们坐享其成,岂不痛快?
刘 :先生果然高见!
关 :我们这就准备招聘去!
刘、关、张(退台)
张(慌忙跑回来):嘿嘿!先生,你这法儿要是中,我送你两副上等哩猪下水!走了啊!(追刘、关二人而去) 先(追张)诶,我们家三口人呢!拿三副啊!
第二幕
(一张桌子,一张椅子。旁边一个木牌,上贴招聘启示)
张 :这招聘启示都贴出去一个多月了,来的人是不少,可是没有一个中用的。他们两个都累得扛不住了,今儿个,我盯班!(走到桌边,边吆喝边坐下)诶——开始招聘了啊!还有口气儿哩都给我上来!
诸葛(身着博士服,戴博士帽,架一副黑框眼镜,手执文凭。边唱边上场,取调《霸王别姬》)我——站在,猎猎风中,恨不能,当上国家总统!望——苍天,四方云动,文凭在手,问天下谁是英雄!我——站在,猎猎风中,恨不能,当上国家总统!望——苍天,四方云动,文凭在手,问天下谁是英雄!(语调急转直下)人世间,有工作万种,为什么,我就没有人用?学校说,包分配你在家等,两年了,我已口袋空空——(对张)我心中,你最重!请你快,把我用!我会组织生产,又会管理经营。(对观众)谁用我,谁就红!我保他,当大亨!如果你想称雄,就来雇我卧龙!(单膝跪地,扮“思考者”形象)
张 :吔?你是个弄啥哩呀?
诸葛(扶扶眼镜)你,你是老板吗?
张(第一次被称呼为“老板”,不太适应)啊?啊,对,对,俺是老板!(喜笑颜开)
诸葛(跑过去扑向张,跪下):老板,你可怜可怜我吧!
张(被吓了一跳,继而缓过神来)啥?你想要饭?没门儿!赶紧走!赶紧走!
诸葛 :噢,不,老板,你误会了!我,我是来应聘的。你看,这是我的文凭。
张(倒拿文凭,装作很认真的样子审视)啊,我看看啊。嗯,哦。这个……
诸葛 :老板,你,你拿倒了!
张 :啊?哼,俺,俺打小就是这么看的!
诸葛 :啊呦~~那,你可真厉害哦!
张 :那是!诶,别光说我了。说说你吧。你先自我介绍一下吧。
诸葛:我叫诸——葛亮,字孔明……
张 :那你都会弄啥啊?
诸葛(来了精神):我会的可太多的!我会排兵布阵!
张 :那没有用!俺现在又不打仗了!
诸葛 :我会呼风唤雨!
张 :呦呵,看不出来你还是个妖怪啊!
诸葛 :这,这,对了!我还会运用智谋!
张(大喜):你会运用智谋?
诸葛(终于有门儿了,高兴)对!对!
张(一脸茫然):啥是智谋?
诸葛(差点儿没死过去)咳!(咂舌头)这个,举个例子来说吧。享当年,我在博望坡一把大火,烧得曹军丢盔弃甲(从兜里掏出打火机,边唱边扭,像抽筋似的,并且极度自我陶醉)你就像那,一把火!熊熊火焰,(又使劲扭屁股)燃烧了我!
张(不耐烦地):中了!中了!别给那儿瞎哆嗦了!跟那发瘟哩猪样哩!
诸葛 :你!你怎么骂人啊你!
张 :我骂你又咋了?我是个杀猪哩,就是这脾气!对了!你一说猪,我又来灵感了。我问问你啊!啥样哩猪是病猪,不能再吃了?
诸葛 :这,这,我又不是杀猪的,我怎么知道!
张 :你连啥是病猪都不知道,你还知道啥!
诸葛 :我知道什么?我什么不知道?我可是大名鼎鼎的诸葛亮!诸葛亮你没听说过吗?
张 :啥猪哥亮狗哥亮的!我都杀了一辈子猪了,还从没听说过哪头猪,他哥,会亮哩!
诸葛 :这,这(气急败坏的,指着张)这,这种人也配当老板!
张 :啥?你说啥?找打!(一脚把诸葛亮踹了个跟斗)
诸葛 :哎呦!我的妈呦!(从兜里又掏出一面镜子)我的发型都乱了!
张 :诶?还不走?找打!
诸葛(见势不妙,急走)
张(揪住诸葛的领子,又是一脚)我再帮你一脚,跑得快点儿!
诸葛(连滚带爬地下场)
张(坐回椅子上):啥东西,也来捣乱!
刘、关(二人着急慌忙地跑上场)
刘 :贤弟!贤弟!今天可有一位自称诸葛孔明的人前来应聘?
英语小品剧本搞笑简单篇十:英语搞笑话剧剧本(四人)
甲:Hello,every one, have you ever seen the movie<Avatar>? Yeah, you are right, I'm the director-- Cameron Diaz, applaud , thank you....Recently, I will direct a new movie called < Avatar 2 >, today, there will be a audition and I will select three actresses who can get the chance to perform in this film with famous actress---Anne Hathaway,OK, let's begin. At first , talent show, number one, let's welcome.
乙:(风情万种,妖娆妩媚地走进来,给观众一个飞
吻):oh,honey,dear,sweet,darling director, the most beautiful charming, sexy girl is coming , every body knows me, right? Yeah, I'm Nicole Kidman, open your eyes as big as you can and hold your breath, there will be a unique, fantastic dance show for you, I believe that all of you will be crazy about it ,(打个响指) come some music.(搞笑舞,自由发挥). (跳完,鞠躬,向观众谢幕), thank you,(面向导演), honey, is it a wonderful performance?
甲:(作目瞪口呆状),
乙:(在甲眼前晃手),oh, darling, are you Ok?
甲:eh...my god, have you use some stimulant drugs this morning, you make my nerves nervous. Get out , next one.
乙:oh no ...sweet ,you break my heart...(掩面离去)
丙:oh it seems to be serious. God bless me(画个十字架,镇定地走到甲面前,伸出手), nice to meet you, director.
甲:(与之握手),nice to meet you too,so, introduce yourself please.
丙:I'm Celine Dion, you know, I don't have too many
achievements, I just won five Grammy awards, 12 World Music Awards, 7 American Music Awards , 21 Juno Awards and(做沉思状) oh, I forget it , a Oscar Award, (同学鼓掌,乙作安抚状),oh, calm down, calm down,it's just a piece of cake for me ,you know, I....
甲:ok ,stop, time is limited, just begin
丙:OK!!! I'll use my first signature song to conquer you --my heart will go on, just enjoy it.
near, far, wherever you are
i believe that the heart does go on
once more, you opened the door(甲stop stop,丙不理,继续作深情状)
and you're here in my heart,
and my heart will go on and on.
甲:guard ,guard,help,drag this mad woman out.
Oh, I'm dying,hope the next one will give me a surprise 丁:(对着乙的背影,沉思状)to be,or not to be,it's a
question!(走到甲面前牵起她的手做亲吻状),I'm glad to see you,my dear princess.
甲(做娇羞状):oh, it's really a big surprise,so what's your name?
丁:My name? Oh, wait a minute. Do you know Trish Regan?(甲,白痴的摇头),eh..,it's ok,then how about Robin Meade?(摇头),and Melissa Theuriau?(摇头),(丁,情绪激动),you know nothing, how can you sit in here.
甲(指门,气愤状),you you you.....
丁:ok ok, it doesn't matter, you needn't learn about them, but you must know me, the most famous hostess who will catch up with those person and become the greatest poet---oprah! 甲:I don't care who you are, just show me your talent.
丁:ok ,listen,one poem,I have had found my best love, but I didn’t treasure her. When I lost her, I regret. It’s the most pain in the world. If God can give me another chance, I will say there words to her “I love you”!
甲(起鸡皮疙瘩状):oh, I can't stand, show you the door,
丁(转身离开,继续台词):If there is a time limit, I hope, it is (回头,对甲)10 thousand years.
甲:oh, it's really a terrible ,awful, horrible day,why it is such difficult to find an excellent actress.Oh, I'm dying,you three, come here,
三人跑进来,乙妩媚状:honey, you like my dance,right? 丙镇静状:director,you like my singing,right?
丁深情状:princess,you like my poet,right?
三人同声:we are past,right?
甲:eh..Thank you for your eh..Wonderful performance,but,I'm sorry to tell you ....(接电话) What? Nobody comes here except they three,oh...god.(挂电话,低头),you three,(抬头),pass!
三人欢呼,说:we make it,we are superstar!
乙(甜蜜状):that's very sweet of you,we love you so much(飞个吻)
甲:you know, you are not good enough now, but I'm look forward
to your progress.Do you have confidence? 三人齐答:yes,we do!
甲伸手,三人搭上,同声,fight,fight,fight!